I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
