If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I smell stomach acid.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
