I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
