I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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