I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wish you could order shots online.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
