you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's shark week go big or go home
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize