i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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