You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize