i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
