What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
