hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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