I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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