I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize