Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
