Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
