Yo dont text me then not text me
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
