Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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