My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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