you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
