he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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