I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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