i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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