Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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