I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
