i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
