I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
