I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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