god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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