Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
