we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
