mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
