Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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