You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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