i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
