no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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