Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
