Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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