sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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