I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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