don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
