I should be sponsored by Trojan
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How external is "for external use only"?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
