Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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