Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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