I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
