They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize