You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
