Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
