And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
