I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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