I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
