so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
