I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
