he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
