also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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