Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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