I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
